Kings,Queens and Everyone In Between

October 29, 2007

In this our first profiling we’re not going to name names. We’ll get to that later. As usual you’ll just have to accept that we know all we need to know about those things or people that interest us. We could name names but then we’d have to name sources, qualify paparazzi, and validate dumpster divers all the while claiming the rights of a press agency. Luckily for us (and you) we’re not obligated to pay penance to any media sorcery. We do however like the process of inquiry.

Why is it that those we choose to envy and revere are also those we abuse? When did celebrities represent the psychological imprint of our parents? And how happy are advertisers that we just shed light on that nuance? Hiding behind mass consumer sensibility people tend to get obnoxiously righteous. We suppose that explains the perpetual adolescence complex going around. It’s funny that as our actions and admirations place certain figures on a pedestal, collectively we presume that it’s appropriate to dump our trash on them as if it were a shiftless stroll through a public park. Why not? The next time we see them some producer will find a way to glam it up, plying our expectations, and evidently our ability to suckle, yet again.

Sometimes while watching or reading some of this reporting, the feeling of being in a zoo becomes disturbing. Though we clearly have no shortage of zoos, and presumably we can placate this remorse with knowledge of better food for encamped animals and purportedly higher salaries for endangered personalities.

There’s an odd exhilaration that’s achieved when our hum-drum lives become a hunting safari we can all experience from our arm chairs of omnipotence. Lately it is the submissive middle ground that worries us here at Sugar Stock. Don’t get it wrong, we’d love to evaluate, and ideally take a cut from the cultural commodities that are the offspring and peer group of such revelry. Though we’d feel better if there were some sort of pop-up thermometer that would let us know when that once innocent youngling is ready to pit their contentment against judgment and instigative slander. Having given notice to the trailer tutors, that one friend who’s allowed on-set and the obligatory stealthy parent; and ready to be accountable as both Pilgrim and Indian. At least then we’d feel like under their breath they are telling us to piss-off. While we hope they were just building up the what-with-all to scream in our face, spit in our eye and drink a little too much. We’d then make the note that they have no intention of burdening the demands of our marketplace, chalking them up to those that can afford to be themselves by being nothing in particular.

Yet somehow someone insists on upping the anti (drug dealers can be like that), we’re now inundated with the co-opted younglings of certain personalities. Is it only they that can be better than the rest of us, for us? Is that what our patronage is paying for? If so most of you are screwed. And how many of these players are going to try to pander to industry ethics by shacking up on screen and letting fiction bleed into…well have you ever been on a safari. For what it costs the assurance of a kill is prescribed for the sake of good timing. When did the things that kids wouldn’t understand become a license for harassment? All of us here have yearbook pictures we’re still getting over. It’d be a shame to rear a whole new brand of children that require a nom de guerre. There are enough politicians masquerading as humanitarians, no one wants things to be so upside down that our most likely humanitarians are forced to be naive shut-ins

Here’s a suggestion for paparazzi reporting. If you’re looking for things to put in between commercials, request extended trailers to the dozens of movies that come out every season. Maybe then cable television will get back to its roots, pay-for-programming not product placement, and theaters can reduce obscene ticket prices by having more showings in their daily roster. There are also tons of DVD commentaries that a lot of people might like more than the movies, celebrity voiced animation comes to mind. If you apply the usual pedestrian corespndence I’m sure you can make it sexy. But don’t get in between families just because one or both of the parents happen to make a living by being in front of a camera. Don’t get in between people’s ability to be better than you, and don’t take it personally when it matters to us that they are and there’s nothing you can do about it.